If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'Smart"?
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.
The faulty interface is between the chair and the keyboard.
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. á My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.áá I think I've forgotten this before.
Smoking cures weight problems...áá eventually...
I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.
Why isn't the word "phonetically", spelled with an "f"?
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. á Her name was 'woman'.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.ááá It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
Is it possible to be totally partial?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,'Did you sleep good?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. áááTwo parts H, one part O. áááI don't trust anybody!
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I was born by Cesarean section...ááá But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. á I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
Last week the candle factory burned down. áEveryone just stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'.
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
I bought this thing for my car.á You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. áI said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is?
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. áá So I'm going to move to New York.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
How come hotdogs come in 6 packs but the buns come in 8 packs?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
